“How do I get rid of the mum guilt?”
“Do you get mum guilt too?”
This was a genuine question fired at me over a bowl of Heinz tomato soup. At the time I wasn’t sure if she was being serious. I mean, of course I did. I thought all mums did? Doesn’t it come as standard? Isn’t it part of the package?
A split second later, and I realised that she was being serious. She needed reassurance.
So, I snapped out of it and responded truthfully: ‘Fuck. Yes!”
Why is mum guilt a thing?
Let me break this down for you using one of my guiltiest moments of parenting: ‘The Unicorn Incident’.
This was a particularly tragic moment following my daughter’s 3rd birthday where she had been given a 2ft unicorn balloon by a cousin. In her mind, this was the dog’s bollocks of presents. She was buzzing. On the walk home, it slipped from my hand, blowing away into the distance. We watched. She wailed. A year later, she still brings it up.
Never have I felt guilt like it, not before nor after (a&e visits and missed ballet lessons included).
But it was only a sodding balloon? So why did my soul die as it floated away?
Well, it’s a simple one really: evolution.
Social psychologist and assistant professor at the University of Montreal, Daniel Sznycer points out that ‘'While guilt and shame feel terrible, they are Nature’s way of making us re-evaluate our behaviour and improve our performance in the future.
These emotions first reared their spikey little heads during our tribal days when the whole group were involved in protecting and raising the children. If someone put a foot wrong, then the future of the tribe was also put at risk so, guilt forces us to reflect. “When we act in a way we are not proud of, the brain broadcasts a signal that prompts us to alter our conduct.” In short, feelings of guilt evolved to keep our sproglets alive and kicking.
But Modern Guilty Mum doesn’t have to worry about sabre-toothed beasties.
So why aren’t we footloose and fancy free?
.
Well we could, if it weren’t for the fact that those responses are part of our primal instincts and hormones, rooted deeply in our physiology and psychology. It is these that, to some extent, fucks us up because we still operate under them.
In the potentially simpler days of Early Man, the right choices meant you survived. So we became focused on weighing up our options and making the right decision. We knew if we were right, or had made the right choice, because the kids were still existing. Our instincts and hormones kicked in, we decided, we acted, we moved forward with either guilt or smug satisfaction.
But our modern world is far more complex. What’s right and wrong has been taken out of the category of ‘dead or alive’ and currently resides somewhere between ‘The Moral Question’ and ‘Research Suggests Better Outcomes…’. The waters here are much muddier than the glacial waters of Early Man.
Think about the debates that rage every day on those forums…
Is it that ‘breast is best’ or ‘fed is best’?
Is co-sleeping a good way to promote sleep or downright dangerous?
Is attachment parenting creating independent or dependent children?
Is sleep training the cure or the illness?
Is a working parent a better role model than a stay-at-home parent?
The problem is that the different sides of these arguments all have weight and worth: they are the right choice for as many as they are the wrong. But our brain doesn’t tend to like multiple choice answers for the question of ‘what’s good or bad’. Grey areas are not our thing. So the intolerance creates frustration and confusion: “which one should I choose? Which one is right?”
Our biology should come to our aid here; our gut instinct should guide us towards the right path.
Except that our culture isn’t set up for this freedom of thought.
Our culture is judgemental: people do not tend to tolerate people who go against their ideals or values (see MumsNet for further details). This intolerance can range from a sniffy response (oh, you sleep train do you?), passive aggressive questioning (oh, breastfeeding? How will you find the time for yourself?) or all out verbal abuse that challenges the victim’s concept of self-worth to the core (You’re vaccinating your kids? Why would you think it’s okay to poison them!)... so we must now add vulnerability and defensiveness into the mix with frustration and confusion too.
In short, we are biologically programmed to pursue the best for our children: to do it right… to not screw them up catastrophically beyond all recognition. And we would be able to do this instinctively, even in this modern world, except for the fact that our instincts are repeatedly called into question by our culture.
And where does that leave us? Stuck in a world of questions and situations where could do everything or nothing, and still not be definitively right. And so the guilt kicks in, because we haven’t done ‘enough’.
‘The Unicorn Incident’ illustrates this perfectly: at no point did anyone face their death - myself, my daughter, even the balloon all were unharmed. My guilt did not stem from something I had done, it was rather the realisation that what I had not done (hold onto the bloody balloon tighther) was to blame. I had not done enough to protect my small human’s emotions (even though she was alive) and so my soul crumbled under the guilt.
So, wait, how do I get rid of mum-guilt?
This one IS easy. It’s about priorities and balance. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
If you are knee-deep in the guilt–shame cycle of parenting, take a step back and ask yourself these three questions…
1. What facts do I have about this situation?
And by facts, I am not talking about Janet987 from BabyCenter’s forum. I am talking about the science, supported experience from experts that have proper qualifications. Focus on getting the pros and the cons to help you weigh up the options.
2. Is there a clear-cut right or wrong answer here?
More than likely, the answer will be no. But there might be a legal issue (car-seats), or a medical issue (vaccinations) which makes any other answer non-negotiable.
3, What does my instinct tell me is right?
In most situations, you will KNOW what to do. You just have to listen and tune into your gut instinct while also drowning out the social media noise and peer pressure. Do not Google search, do not ask your aunty. Once you’ve got the facts have a little sit and think. Your gut will show you the way.
And if you’re struggling to settle on that decision, do not suffer in silence. Get some help - not the kind of help that tells you what to do (you’ll still feel the guilt) but supportive coaching and mentoring that will help you find your own path.
