Four things I’d tell my first-time-mum self…
We laugh about it, don’t we: feeling clueless, useless, how much we don’t know as we take our babies home. And that’s accepted, expected almost.
Hindsight means that we can laugh; we have grown with experience. It’s like going through that horror is some form of twisted rite of passage - we expect to have to suffer through it to become ‘real’ parents…
Call me mental, but I can’t see how that’s right
Pregnancy is hard. Parenting is hard.
Why do we make it harder for ourselves by not sharing the knowledge that we have?
From the start of our pregnancy journeys, we are presented with things we do not understand, but with the expectation that we should.
I remember sitting in my booking appointment with my midwife at the start of my first pregnancy very clearly. It was a mishmash of antenatal emotions really, and a hash-up from start to finish.
The midwife was 20 mins late for starters so I was totally paranoid that I’d got something wrong or wasn’t actually pregnant or something (good old hormones), but then the barrage of questions started.
How would I feed the baby?
Where did I want to give birth?
How did I want to give birth?
How did I feel about delayed cord clamping?
Would I be taking all the tests and how would I feel about amniocentisis?
Knowing what I know now, I am not sure my midwife stuck to the booking appointment script, but whatever the case she flummoxed me with words and concepts and responsibilities that 9-week pregnant me had never even come across before.
I was stunned.
I was also 33. I was the last of my friends to get pregnant by a long shot: I’d thrown a lot of baby showers, chatted a lot of baby guff and generally coo’d over a metric shit-tonne of small people.
And yet, I knew nothing about the reality of pregnancy, birth or parenting.
In that one moment, I felt like this tidal-wave of ineptitude had slapped me in the face whilst simultaneously pushing me into the dark-web area of life: the inner sanctum of sacred baby knowledge, where I was a total newbie.
A now terrified one at that.
Millenia of reproduction and centuries of research have created a plethora of knowledge.
So, why we are not told the things that would actually help us to know?
It is a bit like the dark web, I guess. To anyone without a baby, or interest in babies, it would seem as though there is nothing new going on. Baby shops and milk advertising continue to work in the way they always have done, selling the image that a fancy pram and a few bottles will set you up.
But pull back the veil and you reveal a world of high-science where research into infant feeding, immunity, social and emotional development and maternal mental health is flourishing. Maternity voices are rising and demanding the changes desperately needed to improve birth and life-long outcomes for mothers and their babies.
As a birthworker, it’s an exciting time to be alive, I can tell you!
But the problem is, it’s still in the dark-baby-web area of knowledge. Only those in the know have the frequency needed to hear it.
So as a first-time mum, how would you know?
Well you wouldn’t, just as I didn’t. Just as knowledge is power, cluelessness is weakness and trust me when I tell you that I felt feeble!
If I am being totally honest, that’s really triggering for me because a lot of my post-natal depression came from not believing I was good enough to know anything, or be right, or be able to trust my instincts.
Had I had someone to guide me, or signpost me towards sources of information from the get-go (rather than having to work it out myself as I struggled along), would I have fared better? I believe so.
And that’s the point of this post, isn’t it: to share the nuggets of wealth you need to get you started right.
So, what would I go back and know?
Well, I wouldn’t overload myself (I was already quite busy growing a person) but I’d equip myself with a few key concepts…
1. Breastmilk is not the same as formula…
Choice is everything, and I do not judge anyone for how they choose to feed their babies. But know this: it is not a choice that should come down to convenience. Both have their positive and negative impacts, but these need to be explored and reflected on by the individual (to an experienced but impartial ear ) before you make a choice.
2.The Microbiome is everything…
Like one of those things you can’t unsee, once you know about the MASSIVE importance of the microbiome in the first moments of life, you can’t ever unknow it. Taking the time to learn about it, reflect on it and question your priorities (a key part of all antenatal sessions IMO) around the microbiome can be a powerful birth planning tool to help support the health of your baby.
3. Matrescence is a thing…
I wish, so desperately, that I had known my brain was changing - permanently - during my first pregnancy. If I had been able to prepare for this (that’s what antenatal classes are for, right), I may have avoided thinking I was going mad, and feeling like I’d ‘lost’ myself. Having the opportunity to talk these changes through as (again, to an experienced and impartial ear) would have been amazing too.
4. Informed Consent is not just being given a leaflet…
Truthfully, I had no idea that I had the right to question, to politely decline, to refuse or simply to tell someone to jog on. During my first pregnancy, I just assumed that if it was recommended, that I should do it because ‘they knew best’. I know see this for what it is: educated and well-intended advice. Not law. I wish I had known this first time around, or had the opportunity to get to know my rights and then talk my choices over before making ‘decisions’.
Honestly, I could go on and on with this. But pregnant people have enough to be doing and thinking about without a whole load of extra stuff, so I will leave it there.
Take those nuggets and do with them what you will, and know that should you need some evidence-based antenatal education or an understanding, impartial ear to help you navigate your choices, I am only a click away.
