Sharing vs scaring: telling our birth stories without the horror.

Humans love stories: we thrive when we are able to share our experiences & rely on other’s narrations to prepare us for what’s to come. No where is this more true, than with birth... so long as it’s done right.    

Are birth stories useful to hear?

Sharing the stories of our babies’ births is an important part of our own processing, but for people approaching birth for the first time, it’s critical knowledge.

In years gone by, we’d know all about pregnancy, birth and baby-raising because we’d have witnessed it all, within our homes and communities, from a young age. But now, we don’t. The result is that pregnancy, birth and baby-raising is like a shop display: we see the bits that are visible, and interesting or sensationalist to capture attention before we carry on with our day. 

This is not an accurate representation; it’s often patchy, incomplete, incoherent and so we are left feeling like there is so much we don’t know (because we don’t) or broken because no-one else is experiencing X, Y or Z (when they are).  

Birth stories, shared honestly, help to counterbalance this. They allow us to piece together an idea of what pregnancy, labour and birth really is… to complete the jigsaw if you will. 

But a balance has to be struck between sharing and scaring if that jigsaw is to be helpful and realistic.

“I don’t want to tell them everything; I don’t want to scare them!”

As new parents, we often talk about our births in all their glory. But we also talk how we keep this back from others…

So often, a session of ‘The Nest’ revolves around our experiences, in minute detail. As babies are cradled, fed and soothed, we share everything: the duration, the tricky decisions, the drug choices, the tearing, the bleeding, the sleep issues. 

But we also laugh about how this is easier to do with strangers that have ‘crossed the gauntlet’ of birth, than people we know. People who love us or care for us, and especially our currently pregnant friends, our younger cousins or siblings. Not because we’re shy or embarrassed but simply because we don’t want to scare them with our own experiences. 

But, are we doing ourselves - as a community of birthers, both previous and future - a huge disservice here?  

We ARE storytellers: what we don’t share, we don’t know… and when we enter the unknown, a place we don’t understand or control, that’s when things get scary. 

It’s also worth remembering that positive births and traumatic births have one thing in common: the emotions. Both can come from a the full spectrum of birth experiences; waterbirths and caesareans, spontaneous and induced labours, short and long. It’s not the processes or method of births that create positive experiences or negative ones, it’s how the individual feels in that moment.   

So, when it comes to understanding what a useful part of a birth story is, and what isn’t, it’s always good to remember these key things: 

• Negative or traumatic birth experiences have one thing in common: feelings of uncertainty, helplessness, confusion or fear. It’s never exclusively about the procedure or event.  

• Positive birth experiences have one thing in common: feelings of joy, strength, confidence and security. It’s never exclusively about the procedure or event.  

• Emotions are unique: birth is emotional, but not everyone has the same emotions at the same points for the same reasons. 

If we hold these at the heart of our storytelling when we share our birth stories, we are best able to judge how to share without scaring. 

BUT, this isn’t easily done. For the individual, birth is enormously emotional… how on earth can we share these stories without the emotions?

How to share birth stories positively (not just positive birth stories…)

There is a big difference between a positive birth story and a birth story told positively. Sharing birth in all it’s forms is important to be fair and realistic, but it needs to be done helpfully and without horror. Here’s how…

As a fully signed up member of the ‘knowledge is power’ crew, I believe that birth stories should always be shared. If we don’t know what is coming, we can’t prepare for it. 

But we need to manage how we share and affect emotions around birth; this is what will scare the listener. 

Doing this is a tricky thing, but using these four boundaries will absolutely help you to make your birth story a useful share rather than a scary one. 

1. Start with the facts: when you initially tell your birth story, focus on things like timings, physical sensations, decision making. This will give your listener what they need - an understanding of what birth looks like in real terms, which is the value of a birth story.

Remember, if they want to dig deeper on the things that interest them, they’ll ask; if they see a trigger for them, they’ll probably avoid it - but either way, that’s on them, not you.  

2. Ask questions before you share: understanding what their triggers are will help you to moderate or frame (not avoid) those scary bears. For example, if your chat-mate says they’re scared of episiotomy, you might talk them through your experience using only the facts (how long it took, why it was recommended, why you consented and what your recovery time and sensations are) rather than talking about how nervous you were or pressured you felt at the time.

Remember: open questions give you a better sense of what they need (to avoid) than closed ones. So rather than saying ‘are you worried about induction?’ you might say ‘is there anything that makes you nervous about giving birth?’. It might be harder for them to answer straight away, but what they say will tell you more.

3. Avoid absolutes, generalisations & predictions: phrases like ‘everyone said’, ‘everyone goes through’ and ‘you’ll probably’ creates a sense of destiny which the listener has no control over. Unless this really is an absolute or high percentage probability (like intense pressure at the point of crowning), this is not a fair reality to share. 

Remember, birth stories are about preparing the listener to navigate their birth journey in their own way, not setting them up for a common path. Instead, use phrases like ‘for me…’ or ‘I chose to…’ or ‘in my experience…’   

4. If emotions come up, elaborate: telling them why you felt a certain way at a certain time will give context to the emotion, and allow your listener to see whether they’d feel the same way. 

For example, rather than just saying, ‘my episiotomy was terrifying’ you could elaborate and add detail with, ‘my episiotomy felt terrifying because I didn’t really understand what one was; if I was to go back and do it again, I’d have asked for an explanation before hand of what was going to happen before, during and after the procedure.’  

5. Share when you feel ready: I realise this sounds pretty blunt but if you’re looking at those four points and thinking ‘I’m not sure I’d be able to do that…’ it might be that you’re not ready to share your story just yet with people preparing to give birth. For whatever reason, it might be just too raw, in either a positive or negative way.

Remember, there’s no time limit on when a birth story can be shared: give things time to settle: days, weeks, months, perhaps even years. When you feel ready to share, do. But there’s no rush.   

Sharing your birth story is a powerful and affirming thing to do: whether it’s a positive or negative experience, you lived it and it deserves to be heard (if you are ready to share, of course). 

The Nest provides that space; the chatter that bubbles in our warm and welcoming group so often focuses on birth and we regularly tell and retell our stories to one another. They never get boring - if anything, they get more and more awe-inspiring each time. 

If you’ve got a baby from birth to just-about-crawling, and live in mid-Cornwall, we’d love to meet you. We meet every Thursday, from 1.15 to 2.30 at The Stithians Centre (Stithians, Cornwall). Check out the details & book your space here.