How can I help my birth partner to help me?
This may your moment, but just as Usain Bolt needs his coach to be at peak performance, so will you benefit from a skilled-up, confident birth partner. But they’ll need some guidance…
What is a birth partner?
A birth partner is someone who is with you when you are in labour and give birth. But ‘with’ doesn’t mean ‘watching’. It means giving you support and help, every single step of the way …
In the entire history of humanity, only rarely have humans ever chosen to give birth alone. Mammals need to feel safe when they give birth and unlike cats (whose form of safety is to hide), humans tend to find their safe spaces in communities and groups of people that offer two forms of safety:
a familiar place that is known and trusted
familiar people that are known and trusted
Birth partners have a huge role to play here: not only are they selected as people who are known and trusted, they are then responsible for upholding those labels - by doing the things they are known and trusted for - and for creating a safe environment for the person giving birth to labour and deliver they baby into.
Legally, you can pick whoever you like to be at your side when you give birth and it does not have to be anyone in particular: the baby’s father, for example, has no obligation to be in the room. Nor does your mother. The important thing is that you pick someone you feel that you know and trust to be your advocate and safe space during your journey from pregnant to person.
I am a doula: this is what I do and trust me when I say it is BIG job. The things a birth partner says or does during labour and birth can have an enormous impact on the way birth experiences pan out.
But not everyone wants, needs or can afford the support of a doula. But that want, need or situation doesn’t change the nature of birth and the importance of:
safe and controlled environments
oxytocin production
managing adrenaline and cortisol
All of this is affected by the actions of a birth partner; these are the main focuses of a doula in action, but when a doula is not present, these need to be taken on board by whoever is with the person giving birth. And that requires some prior planning.
How does a birth partner really influence a birth?
I could talk about this until the cows come home. So to avoid my incessant rambling, let’s take a look at some scenarios…
Situation 1: You’re being induced and it’s taking a long time. You’re finding it frustrating and exhausting; you’re beginning to feel anxious and restless, and just want to meet your baby.
Which would you prefer?
Partner A says “Yeah this is ridiculous, what on earth is taking so long?” before going to the coffee machine to get themselves a drink and going for a little walk around in the sunshine.
Partner B says “Look at this funny goat on Tiktok - shall we get the baby a pet goat? It’d save us from gardening…” before passing you a packet of jelly babies and giving you a cuddle.
Partner C says “Remember what the midwife said - this could take a few days. You are doing incredibly well!” before giving you a back massage and a Twix.
Situation 2: Your in the birth centre, in the birth pool and are feeling relaxed. A midwife you’ve never met comes in and asks you to get out of the pool so she can do a vaginal examination.
Which would you prefer?
Partner A says “Out you pop, love. The midwife wants to take a look at you!” before helping to lift you out of the pool.
Partner B says “Can you just wait a moment - she’s just having a contraction. She’ll answer you in a moment. What did you say your name was?” before stroking your hair and keeping an arm on your back.
Partner C says “She had an examination two hours ago and she’s in a really calm place right now. Is it absolutely necessary?” while doing some light touch massage on your arm.
Truth be told all of these partners are both awesome and terrible: the definition doesn’t lie only with what they’re doing or saying but how it sits with you - the person they’re supporting.
What matters is that their actions and words make you feel safe, and loved, and respected.
Because when you feel that, your birth is far more likely to go smoothly and feel positive.
How can I prepare my birth partner to help me?
Once you’ve selected your birth partners, it’s time to start the training. This will help both of you sink into the ‘team’ mentality that really makes birth work.
These four tasks are an excellent starting point for your birth partner training programme! You can start doing them as ‘early’ as you like: practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect, but it makes it a whole load easier on the day…
Talk about the icky parts: chat about the things that scare you, disgust you, worry you - get used to telling them what sits heavy in your mind and find ways to explore them - not solve them. This will help your partner get used to holding space for you (without the need to fix everything), allow you to process and unload your worried mind, and also see how you behave and respond when you find things stressful.
Be honest: the last thing you want to be doing in labour is putting a brave face on - you have bigger fish to fry! Get used to being frank about what you want, and how you want it (this can be done without rudeness, it’s just not very ‘British’!) so that it’s second nature when you’re in the thick of it.
Explore your birth plan together: handing them a printed copy of your preferences doesn’t give them what they need. Talking your preferences and wishes through with them in detail - why you want one thing and not another - will give them the knowledge and insight they need to help you make decisions, understand information on the day and advocate for your wishes when needed.
Practical practice: massage, counterpressure, aromatherapy, food & drink - whatever you want them to DO on the day, make sure they know how to do inside out and back to front before hand. This gives them the confidence to know that they’re doing what you like and need, and you the trust in them that they can do it too.
They may be the best friend, partner or parent on earth but chances are they’ll need help to get birth partner ready.
So often this is what I get called into do single sessions of private antenatal for: I bring all the bits and spend two and a half hours exploring the sides of birth & baby life that you want to know, from the perspective of how a birth partner can really help. It’s the most powerful thing!
These sessions can be delivered virtually (via Zoom) or face-to-face in the comfort of your own living room.
Fancy it? Get in touch and we’ll book you in!
