What does a birth partner do?
Birth is not a spectator sport. Far more than simply being there to watch a baby be born, the right birth partner can totally transform how a baby arrives in the world … IF they know what they’re doing.
First time around, choosing my partner was a no-brainer. my other half was the father-to-be and person most likely to forgive me for punching them. Easy peasy, done.
I don’t regret that choice in the slightest. Other than eating my hula-hoops in front of me and watching the Rugby World Cup, he did a good job. But it’s also pretty telling that second time around, I expanded (and trained!) the team because I knew what I needed in labour, and I needed to know my birth partners were able to give it.
Honestly, those changes were bloody transformative.
Humans are not meant to give birth alone…
The thing we like to forget is that humans are herd mammals: we generally feel happiest, safest and calmest when we’re in the company of our tribe.
It’s one of the reasons scientists think we give birth at night; hunting, foraging and general life stops at night, allowing people to come together and seek safety as a unit. It’s in this cosy, safe bubble that people give birth best.
Millions of years later, though our social structures promote independence as a sign of power and strength, the vast majority of births take place in company: whether we choose to birth surrounded by teams of doctors and midwives in a hospital, or a select bunch of supporters in our homes, most human beings choose to have other human beings with them during labour.
The reason for that is simple: we like it. When we give birth, we are vulnerable on every single level. Once we settle into the deepness of labour, our physical mobility is limited and experiencing waves of intense emotional tremors that shake us to our core. In short, we are in absolutely no condition to defend ourselves or keep ourselves safe: we need others to do that for us.
And so, as we approach labour, we instinctively start thinking about who we want to keep us safe. We choose our birth partner(s).
What can a birth partner really do to help?
That all makes total sense for cave people, but in our modern world we don’t have sabre-toothed tigers or spear-wielding tribes outside our mid-sized semis.
So why on earth would we feel unsafe?
We have the wonders of hospitals, technology and modern medicine to protect us. What is there for a birth partner to do other than simply watch the baby come out?
Logical, yes, but wildly naïve. Vulnerability (and therefore safety) is not just a physical thing. It’s emotional.
Put it this way: what chance did an unarmed human have against a fully grown sabre-toothed tiger? Not a lot, I imagine. But in choosing a particular partner, it’s likely that our cave-ancestor felt safer for whatever reason.
Feeling safe and protected allowed their brain to relax, to release the oxytocin and birth that baby!
Put like this, it’s obvious why fear is important to understand for modern births: while we might not have things wanting to eat or impale us anymore, there are other threats: fears of needles, of pain, of the horror stories they’ve heard happening to them.
Whether they’re realistic or not is irrelevant: what matters is that we see them. And just as our cave-ancestors would try to repel the sabre-toothed tiger, so it is the role of the modern birth partner to do all they can to resolve the moderns fears. Just as it did then, this action will get the oxytocin flowing and the baby born!
How to be a good birth partner…
Maslow initially created his Hierarchy of Needs as a way of breaking down human motivation; however, the needs he describes create a really useful framework for birth support.
Presented as a pyramid, it’s absolutely essential that the needs be met in stages chronologically: a latter need cannot be met before an earlier need is.
So if you’re a birth partner, and are not sure where to start, I would suggest you start at stage one and work your way up…
Stage 1 (physical): what does their body need?
Is it food? Water? Rest? Warmth? These physiological things give the body fuel and energy; having them allows the body to work exactly as it should. Chances are your little birthing person might not want to eat or drink on command, so you may need to get a bit creative with how you support this need, but do it you must!
Stage 2 (security): what do they feel threatened by?
If they’re feeling the fear or are riddled with nerves, do not dismiss it. Talk to them, allow them to process it, and do all you can to remove the threat. This might be as simple as going through a ‘is this fact or fiction’ worry chat, or it might be stepping up to advocate for them if they’re feeling pressured or coerced.
Stage 3 (belonging): how do they know you’re on their team?
If you’ve been called into the role of birth partner, we can assume you’re already ‘inner circle’ material. But only one person here is experiencing the sensations of birth and that can feel like a pretty lonely place, even if there are others around. Find ways to connect with them, to remind them of your bond: laughter, cuddles, games, in-jokes, photo albums… Whatever it takes to remind them that this is their bubble, that you’re in it with them and you aren’t leaving.
Stage 4 (esteem): what do they need to feel capable & confident?
Throwing random compliments and cheerleading ‘big whoops’ at someone without the other three stages will feel shallow, and a bit meaningless. But if you’ve put the groundwork in, now is the time to build up their self-esteem. How you do this will need to be judged carefully based on what you know they’ll respond well to. Do they like quiet congratulations? Gentle praise and encouragement? Or would they prefer proper cheers and shouts of enthusiasm? Getting it right will really help them to get down to the business of birth when things get tough.
Stage 5 (self-actualisation): what do they want from their birth?
Fuelled, safe & brimming with confidence, your birthing person is now ready to take control of the situation. Whereas before they might have not felt like they knew what to do, or what options to take, they’re now ready to make active decisions about what they want to accept, decline and delay. Ask them the questions, play devils advocate, protect their space to give them proper time to decide: putting the ball in their court is going to help them feel like a total birthing badass.
To the untrained eye, a birth partner does very little; but if they’re doing it right, they’re doing everything.
Knowing this is a bit of a double edged sword though; ignorance of it creates bliss (but not the support!) while understanding it creates the support (albeit with the weight of being overwhelmed!)
That’s why doulas exist; as professional, trained and experienced birth companions we know just what to do and when. Having the right doula beside you can alleviate the weight of responsibility from others in the room, while making sure you get the support you need to get your birth going as smoothly as possible.
I believe that everyone deserves the support of a doula, which is why I scale my packages to suit different budgets. Take a look and if you’d like to know a bit more, schedule a free consultation and we can chat more!
