When I became pregnant with my first baby, I began to seek out specifically female friends. This was very out of character for me & it freaked me out. I’d never needed this before, so why now?

It’s no coincidence that it started around week 8 of my pregnancy. I wasn’t on maternity leave, my normal clothes still fitted me … but the sickness, the hormone surges and ‘the fear’ had all kicked in big time. No-one else could see that… but it was all there and boy, was I feeling it.

My criteria for friendship had always been firmly based on personality, sense of humour and their level of love for food. But as my body, emotions and tolerance for tea changed I increasingly realised that I needed something more. I didn’t want to replace my old friends, but I really I needed ones that knew what it was like to be me…

At my postnatal groups, so many tell me the same; that, like me, finding their tribe, or village, was a key milestone for them. It helped them to feel heard, understood and valued on the crazy rollercoaster of pregnancy and early-parenthood. More than one told me that they couldn’t have managed their postnatal mental health issues without their mama-crew by their side, and a few have mentioned how finding their group of post-birth-mummy-mates actually made everything about their life ‘click’ and make sense…

I absolutely echo that.

My journey through postnatal depression and anxiety was hellish, but the consistent support of my tribe stopped me from sinking deeper. My bunch of buddies showed me the true power of female support and I finally ‘got’ what my sister and all those other girls valued in their female friendships: it’s not just about the fun, it’s about the strength that comes from solidarity.

As individuals like Dr Rachel Reed emphasise in, birth has been a group activity throughout history. As she points out in the Midwives Cauldron podcast entitled ‘The Herstory of Modern Day Birth Practices’, she highlights how cave paintings of birth show women physically & emotionally supporting the birthing person and how this continued well into the 16th century with the cultural practice of ‘the Gossips’ (a group of birthing bridesmaids).

From a more modern perspective, we may not have such a strong female presence at our birth anymore, but we rarely wish to birth alone. The vast majority of women choose one or more birth partner to accompany them who they trust to support them through the wild ride of labour, birth and the first few hours of post-partum. Many of us also choose to be cared for by midwives - either in hospital or at home.

Very few humans - with the exception of tribes like this one in Amazonian Peru - choose to give birth and entirely alone. And even fewer choose to raise our babies entirely alone.

All for one simple reason: human beings work best when they feel safe, cared for, respected and supported & group situations help us to feel that way.

Mum friends, parent pals, your village or your tribe: whatever you want to call this new friendship group, it can be totally transformative. The trick is finding your people - the kind of human(s) that you do actually like and want to spend time with, but who also happen to be expecting at the same time as you.

Tricky, perhaps, but not impossible. Why not try one (or more!) of these four strategies for finding other people riding the pregnancy, birth & parenting rollercoaster and start building your tribe:

1. Sign up to a group antenatal class

   Group antenatal classes are an excellent way to get to know other pregnant people: you meet several times, in a common space, sharing discussions and activities about the thing you have most visible in common: pregnancy! Not only can you suss out which people you’d like to keep in touch with afterwards, but most group sessions (including my own ‘Really Useful Birth & Baby course’) also feature additional extras like private Whatsapp chats for your group, and postnatal meet-ups that allow you to form connections that’ll last.

2. Come to Bump Brunch

   I am yet to meet a pregnant person who genuinely doesn’t love the idea of eating delicious food and talking at length about everything birth & baby. It might feel scary at first, but choosing a pregnancy event - like my Bump Brunches - that you’re excited about attending for reasons other than just meeting other pregnant people (it could be a spa retreat day, or a sound bath … there’s lots about) will help you to find the confidence to step over the threshold and start mingling.

3. Start a pregnancy exercise class

   Everyone knows that staying fit and active through pregnancy is a winner; signing up to a regular group class - with an instructor qualified to lead pregnancy fitness - is a great way to support your body AND your friendship group. As with the antenatal class, you get a regular space, time and shared experience to help you form those lovely bonds of friendship but with the additional bonus of boosting your physical fitness in a safe and supported way. There are loads of options, from yoga and Pilates to water-based activities so you’re bound to find something that works for you.

4. Download the Peanut app

   If the idea of meeting a host of unknown faces is too scary, or if time is at a premium, technology is here to help you out. Known as the Tinder for pregnant folk, Peanut is a great app for finding people who know what it’s like to be you, in your local area, with a simple swipe.

Can you go through pregnancy, birth & everything that lies beyond alone: yes… but it’s so much more pleasant with friends by your side that know exactly what it’s like to be you.

That’s why community is such an core part of Born to Birth Cornwall: whether you choose to come along to a Bump Brunch, a group antenatal course or prefer to join us at ‘The Nest’ when your baby has arrived, you’ll find the same warm & welcoming space.

Wherever you’re at on your journey to becoming a parent, we’d love to meet you.