I reckon cave people had it easy.

Sabre-toothed tigers and ice ages aside, they existed in tight knit groups that were all about supporting one another.

Those fanged and icy threats have (by-and-large) disappeared, replaced by technologies that create a safety our ancestors could only have wished for in their wildest dreams. Secure at the top of the food chain, there is no longer a need to fear the world that surrounds us. How clever we are! 

But in the process, we have lost our villages. And for pregnant people, this means we have lost our support networks.  

Humans often forget that we are animals; we are a species of animal  and in doing so we do ourselves and the parents amongst us a massive disservice. 

Homo-sapiens have been around for 200,000 years and over that time we have changed and evolved. We have smartphones instead of spears and Egyptian cotton sheets (a pipe dream in this house) instead of pelts to keep us warm at night, but this is all just lifestyle at the end of the day. What drives us psychologically, sociologically, emotionally has not changed: we are complex social creatures who thrive off within communities. We might not live in the same cave anymore but that hasn’t squashed our desire to talk to one another, to share our stories and experiences, to learn from each other… to support one another, 

The problem is that this yearning has become harder to satisfy. While our much-hairier ancestors lived amongst their extended families their whole lives, establishing themselves within a collective existence, ours is a world that places higher value on the individual.      

As teenagers, we are encouraged to up-sticks and leave when we reach 18: to go it alone; to carve our own path; to explore and enrich our lives by pushing our boundaries and finding ‘who we really are’ away from our families, as if this was the most natural thing in the world. And of course, our technologies mean that we are never truly separated unless we want to be: a mere click of a button and we can see our loved one’s faces. The emphasis is not abandoning our families, but seeing ourselves as being independent from them because in our world we no longer need to be ‘trapped’ by our dependence on them for safety and survival. 

Up shit creek, that’s where.

Is it any surprise that some studies report as many as 90% of new mothers feel loneliness? That 54% feel friendless? That 1 in 7 experience postnatal depression or other mental health issues?  

No, it is not a surprise. Our modern world has primed us, trained us, to live independently and alone under the illusion that a video call is enough to satisfy our instinct for connection and support. But in the foggy days of newborn chaos, or toddler catastrophes, this is as much use as a chocolate teapot. Who do we turn to for practical support when we’re exhausted? Spur-of-the-moment emotional support when it all gets too much? A supportive hug when we feel alone.   

Whatsapp cannot hold your baby while you go for a poo. Fact. 

If the pandemic taught us anything, it was that this form of connection is nice but for many of us it can only go so far. As humans we need more, especially when we become parents when the need for all sorts of support increases astronomically.  

But we can’t go back in time: we have invented too many shiny things and gained too strong an appreciation for ourselves as individuals to go back to the BC years. But also, what we have now clearly isn’t working. So what on earth do we do about it?    

Remember: we are an ever evolving species of animal. Evolving is what we do best.

Humans have been around for 200,000 years because we have always responded to and adapted to our environment, and in doing so have become stronger. It’s just that right now we haven’t figured out how to evolve to become stronger as independent, non-village dwelling parents. 

So how do we respond to this pickle of a situation? 

Well, in my humble opinion, it’s about accepting a few realities about what new parents are and what they need in terms of support … 

1. We have intensely social instincts; we need these connections to feel valued and safe.   

2. We have evolved to value our independence and unique qualities away from our ancestral villages.

3. We are technologically advanced and used to connecting in this way, but it’s not for everyone.  

When you look at it like that, the answer is simple, isn’t it. We need to replace the villages of old with ones that suit who we are now. And I mean that in a thoroughly individualist sense. 

We are no longer able, or have the need, to rely on a static village. Instead we have the opportunity to shape our own modern support villages, to suit our social needs, our unique interests and passions, and our preferred way of communicating.

We just need to get round to building it…   

1. Prioritise you!

   Spend some time thinking about what you need from your Village. What do you like? What you hate? What makes you feel loved and supported? Diversity may not have been a thing 200,000 years ago but it is now, and we don’t have to revert to form just because we happen to have a bun in the oven.       

2. Search for groups that match this criteria.

   Use all those lovely shiny technologies we’ve come up with to help you. Facebook, Instagram, Google… somewhere on there you will find an antenatal programme, pregnancy groups (virtual or face-to-face) and baby groups that match your vibe.    

3. Sign-up to a session: make a commitment to give it a go.

   Whether you do that before or after baby arrives, making the pledge to go along ‘just once’ will be enough to start overcoming the whole modern ‘I can do this on my own because I am a big strong homosapien parent’ mentality. Most groups will also have a social media aspect where you can start building those connections with people before meeting them in the flesh. You might like it, you might not. You might meet your new best parent mate, you might not. But either way: give it a go and see what happens.